thank you, easter bunny! bock! bock!

Mitchell and Hayden test out Easter toys.

This is fun, guys!

What's going on?

Hunting, hunting, hunting...

Taylor & Dylan hunt for eggs! Mitchell & Hayden checking things out.

Hayden seems happy with her Easter .

maybe it's not

One of the bad things about living with someone who's living with cancer (aside from the obvious difficulty that he has fucking cancer) is that it constantly hovers between you, unspoken but lurking. It's something you whisper about when people ask, hoping he won't hear. It would be so easy to crawl into some secret hole and pretend, but we don't. We push away those thoughts that come to us in the dark moments. We get up and we do what needs doing.

We are good. He feels fine. Everything is fine.

Even though, maybe it's not. Maybe he's not feeling that well, even though he tells people different. Maybe I'm tired of picking up the slack, even though I say it's okay. And I feel bad for the resentment and frustration that sometimes builds. And I wonder how many moments are left for us. And I resolve to be more aware, more mindful. And then I think maybe it isn't a big deal. And everything really is fine. And I'm making more of it than I should. Maybe I should believe him when he says he is okay. It would be easy. He says he's fine, so he is. But then I think of his silence. The times when I'll look over and find him asleep in the middle of the day, bundled in a comforter on his chair. The way he sometimes makes small noises in his sleep. And I'll look at my girls, and I can feel their worry. And I try to make things more normal. More like they were. But it's not.

my blue eyed baby girl

booty camp?

I was up this morning at 5:45, making lunches and setting out clothes for the girls so that I could attend Booty Busters Boot Camp (trust me, I will NOT be saying that title aloud).

The trainer, Brian, led us through push ups, burpees, squat things and endless jogging for an hour. After about 15 minutes, I was panting and dizzy and felt WAY older than 36.

Triumphs for today's workout: I finished the whole thing AND didn't utter one curse word.

cycle 4

Mitchell had his fourth chemo cycle on Friday. It went much the same as the previous 3. Same crazy long wait between blood draw and infusion start. His appointment was for 9:30; they didn't even begin his pre-chemo "cocktail" until after 10:30. Same marathon visit. I don't think he finished until sometime in the neighborhood of 3 o'clock. In terms of how he's feeling, it's seems to be pretty much the same. He's tired and a little nauseated. The hypersensitivity to cold hasn't set in yet, but I'm sure that will come up any day now. Overall he's doing well.

the life

Sometimes I want to lay around in a adult-sized boppy pillow, while others carry me around feeding me and clothing me and changing me at will. Discerning the subtle differences between my hungry and my tired cries.

new game

Hayden's newest game is manipulation. She has successfully connected the act of spitting out her bink and someone retrieving discarded bink...endlessly. This is a game of which she does not tire, and everyone in the house has become a victim.

not not working

We had a meeting with Mitchell's oncologist this morning to review yesterday's ct scan. Basically he said that although it's difficult to say anything conclusively, he can say the treatment's not not working. Huh? I was really looking forward to something a little more definitive. Granted, it's definitely not bad news. There are no new lesions or tumors and what was there doesn't seem to be any larger, soo.... That's good, right?

quality time

Hayden getting to know Grandma H.

future

Tomorrow, Mitchell is scheduled to have another CT scan which will tell us whether or not the chemo has been working.

third time's the charm

Mitchell had his third cycle of chemo on Friday. We thought for a minute there was going to be a repeat of last Friday's occurrences, but the right people got their butts together and all went on as planned. Of course the infusion started about and hour and 20 minutes later than scheduled so we were there until almost 6:30 on a Friday night. Needless to say, Mitch was not pleased. Hayden and I tagged along and, while the "companion chairs" they provide leave much to be desired, HayLiz and Daddy got some much needed shared nap time in. This time around, Mitchell seems to be having more difficulty than before. A lot more nausea and general malaise. As usual, anything cold is off limits.

just so ya know

Last week was supposed to mark the beginning of Mitchell's third treatment cycle. Alas, it didn't turn out that way. For some reason the kooky pharmacist put the kibosh on things because of Mitchell's blood work. Strange bc Dr. Brown reviewed those very same results with us the day before and beamed, "Mitch, everything looks great!" (Please note this is the only person my husband allows to use that abbreviated moniker.) So it was with much frustration that Mitch departed the ACC. As of now, he has been rescheduled for this Friday around noonish. On the bright side, he was able to have 7 extra treatment-free days.

the sound of silence

It's definitely strange to sit in a room with someone for close to 8 hours at a time and exchange fewer than 12 words. We've discussed the wind, the remote and holding the baby. Woo hoo!

stupid things people say: #1

• I guess your 2008 was worse than ours. Are we in competition for who has shittier life experiences?
• She's getting fat! I didn't realize a 5 week old weighing almost 8 lbs could be considered overweight.
• Oh...You look nice today! Unspoken sub-text: You usually look like hell, so I'm shocked that you've cleaned your pitiful ass up.

just smile and nod

Anytime Hayden and I make a public appearance, people ask me if this is my first. It doesn't matter if I have all 3 girls or just baby and me. Sometimes I answer; most of the time I just smile and nod.

People also love to ask if Hayden is a "good baby". This question confounds me. When was the last time a new mother had to deal with a cursing, thieving newborn? Sure Taylor never slept and most days I felt as though I was a prisoner of war, but she never assaulted me or stole money from my wallet. So all in all, I think she could be considered a pretty good baby.

I also think it's strange when complete strangers will approach me and not only gush over my unknown-to-them infant but also touch/stroke/poke my newborn with what I always assume are filthy, potentially germ-laden stranger hands while getting dangerously close to her face. Can you imagine how startling this has to be for her? Some complete stranger's doughy face 4 cm from her own? Breathing strange breath into her face, making weird, monster-like sounds and gestures? Terrifying.

I do my best not to place both hands in the middle of the person's chest and push them away with all my might. I keep my caustic comments to myself and most days I just smile and nod. Realizing that these are just one of the many joys of having an infant.

I guess I should just be thankful that people haven't yet begun to caution me about the difficulties of having 3 kids.

tender

You know how you've got one or two good friends that practically a million years can pass by without having seen one another, and when you do get back together it feels like no time has passed? There's no awkward silences. No boob-crushing squeezes. Just knowing glances and laughs exchanged... That is one of my favorite kind of friendships. Good to see you, sistah!

sometimes

• I feel unreasonably hostile.
• I don't want to be hospitable.
• I don't want to talk.
• I can't be sympathetic.
• I get tired of the whole thing.

cycle 2

Mitchell's second treatment cycle began this past Thursday. He went in to get the his 2 iv infusions and found out that the oral chemo he'd been taking had pushed his already high blood pressure way up. He ended up having to sit around and wait while they tried to get it down to a reasonable number. A few hours later he was finally getting his infusions--the oxycellin from last time plus the avastin. As with last time, he experienced the super-sensitivity to cold, numbess in his hands and feet, slight nausea plus an added bonus of chronic hiccups. So far his spirits are still fairly high. He was able to enjoy a Valentine's Day feast, but he is pretty worn out. As of now, he will get another PET scan after his 4th cycle to determine whether or not the chemo is killing the cancer.

snowy tuesday

Much to Dylan's delight, this is the scene that greeted us this morning. Mitchell helps with insulation.

9 days

I am mesmerized.

treatment milestone

Mitchell finished his first cycle of oral chemo today. Starting this evening he gets 7 days off. No drugs except the one he takes for his newly diagnosed high blood pressure. I'm hoping some of the side affects he's developed will go away fairly quickly so we can get a short reprieve before we begin round two.

welcome

Hayden Elizabeth arrived on Saturday, January 31, 2009 at 3:33 in the afternoon.

She weighed 6 lbs and 12.9 oz and is 19.25 inches long.

She entered the world wide-eyed and contemplative.

I can already tell she is wise beyond her years.

final countdown

As a good friend pointed out to me, I am just about 36 hours away from my own personal D-Day. Having this induction scheduled since early LAST week has caused me difficulty. Why is that? you ponder. It's like having that awesome vacation planned a year in advance. You're constantly thinking, "I can't WAIT until that freakin' vacation!" I wake up in the middle of the night contemplating uterine tightenings and radiating pains. In the middle of working or watching TV or having a conversation, I think about it. Every time I have a low back pain, I think, THIS IS IT! Only to be devastated. I suppose the positive is that no matter what at 7:30 am on Saturday, January 31, 2009, I will be checking in to the hospital to finally have this baby.

diarrhea

• Stomach cramps
• Loud bubbling noises emanating from my mid-section
• 300 trips to the toilet
• Prayers to the heavens to make it stop
• Adobe mud huts
• Ring of fire

hayden watch 2009

We are currently on official Hayden Watch. Since Sunday, I've been having fairly regularly (although painless) contractions for the majority of each day and night. If history can tell us anything, this will go on for a while longer until my body finally realizes that it needs to get with the program and begin labor for realsies. If my uterus has aged to the point where it will no longer get busy on its own, we have already scheduled an induction for Jan. 31st. Woo hoo!

beginnings

Mitchell's treatment journey officially began on Thursday. He experienced the first of what I'm sure will seem like millions of blood draws. Incidentally, the gentleman drawing Mitchell's blood had the shortest legs I'd ever seen on an adult. You can't really tell from the pic, but they were remarkably brief, his legs.

We then proceeded to a Chemo Meeting with one of the chemo nurses at the AZ Cancer Center. After the powerpoint we were able to tour the Infusion Pods where patients receive treatment. Strangely it was extremely reminiscent of that Freshman Orientation meeting and tour you attend right before you start college. Same nervous feeling. Same quiet conversation with the person you came with about the idiotic question/comment the person over there just made. Same anticipation about seeing just where you'll be spending so much of your time and how it all works. As we drove home turning over the myriad of mild to horrific side effects of chemo drugs, we made small talk. Effectively avoiding the giant treatment elephant riding in the car with us.

Friday was ridiculously busy. 8 am brought ambulatory surgery at UMC for the implantation of Mitchell's Power Port. Standing in the over bright, cramped pre-op room with the business-as-usual prep nurse, Mitchell's nervousness was palpable. The resident performing the procedure looked like she would be more comfortable hanging out in the quad on campus then tunneling into my husband's vascular tissue surrounding his heart. The procedure was over fairly quickly; it only took about 50 minutes. Mitchell was deliberately donning his clothes when I entered his curtained post-op space. He looked dazed but well. The nurse reviewed the discharge notes, directing most of his spiel to me as I was the only one of us who would recall his words.

By the time we finally reached the Cancer Center, we were over 45 minutes late for our appointment with Mitchell's oncologist. We waited briefly before our Olive Garden style pager lit up and began to vibrate, instructing us to "Please proceed to the Pitt Pavilion." Dr. Brown went over Mitchell's PET scan with us. Looking at the 11x14 glossy photo of Mitchell's insides, the dark spots cover his liver were instantly obvious. We were able to count 7 lesions riddling his liver, in addition to two smallish spots on his right lung and left pelvis.

Phrases like "Metastatic Disease", "Stage IV", "still a good chance", "additional treatment protocols" and "radio static surgery" were uttered. People always talk about feeling numb during times like these. I was hoping for numb. Instead I felt hyper sensitized. My eyes turned into big watery saucers. My eyes boring into the doctor's shiny bald forehead. The baby continues to kick and turn. Another doctor barges into the room, unaware that it's occupants are in the midst of receiving earth shattering news. With a loud "OOPS", she exits. Dr. Brown seems to not notice. As I always, I begin asking questions. Taking notes. It helps to make me feel grounded. Mitchell is almost completely silent.

By 1 we are in the infusion pod, the dextrose with the steroid and meds for anxiety and nausea are hung. Later the first chemo drug is administered. The treatment takes the rest of the afternoon and into the early evening. Mitchell is able to sleep for the majority of it. The stress of that morning's surgery and everything else taking it's toll. People come in and out. Cancer patients of all diagnoses receiving treatment. I'm envious of the 20-something with breast cancer who is in and out in under an hour, talking and laughing loudly the entire time.

another thing I like

My good buddy Naomi hipped me to the Hello Quizzy site. I like it. It has a multitude of random, time-wasting quizzes that are interesting and entertaining. You should go there.

http://www.helloquizzy.com

results

The oncologist informed us that there are "spots on Mitchell's liver and lung". Mitchell received this news late this evening over the phone. I haven't been able to speak with the doctor about it, so I know nothing more than he will be doing the additional Evastin injections.

new ground

While watching this morning's Inauguration Ceremony I think about the fact that only a handful of years prior to my birth, my parents' union would have been considered illegal across much of these United States. I recall a morning in 1980 as I walked to school with my brother wearing my Kelly green "The ERA is for my FUTURE" t-shirt when a grown man sneered at me, "You're future is fucked, girl". I can remember many firsts for Black Americans, mostly having to do with athletics and/or entertainment, and hearing my mother in the background, "See, [S]he's brown like you. That could be you one day."

This morning I watch as an exceptional American is sworn into the United States' Presidency. I watch his wife touch his neck as he takes in the events around him. His children chatter and smile excitedly in front of a nation and I am struck by their similarity to mine. I listen to his words and feel a sense of wonder that my third child will be born into a world that is vastly different from my parents' and mine.

37 weeks

My feet have never looked so teeny tiny. My midsection...Never so ENORMOUS. Thirty seven weeks have flown by and I'm knee deep in 22 trips to the toilet per night, itchy belly skin, nightmares of my water breaking in inopportune locales and people constantly asking me, "Haven't you had that baby yet?" That last one has to be my favorite as clearly I am barely sporting a bump.

treatment update

Mitchell's treatment ball is finally beginning to roll. Next Thursday afternoon, we will attend an "Everything-You-Ever-Wanted-to-Know-About-Cancer-Treatment" informational session. The very next morning, he will have his porta-cath installed (that seems like the wrong word when referring to a human) and his first IV treatment will be that afternoon and will last approximately 4 and a half hours.

We still haven't received the results of the PET scan. I'm not sure what that means, but his blood tests that Dr. Brown (the oncologist) ordered all came back "clean".

stair gymnastics

In the moments before you fall down the stairs, you have this surreal cartoon-character moment...Arms flailing, mouth shaped in an "O" making that "Woo! Woo! Woooooo!" sound. And then you fall, CRASH, THUMP, BANG! To land in a heap on the mid-point landing... Gasping for breath and laughing at yourself. You hear Mitchell running for the first time in a while and look up to see Taylor peek worriedly over the top railing. No one thinks it's funny but you. You can't stop laughing. Even though your butt is already sore. Even though Hayden is now performing some wild acrobatics en utero. But it is funny because you can picture exactly how ridiculous you looked as you tumbled down to land in a big pregnant lump.

update

Mitchell had a CT scan today. Although he had trouble with the barium he had to drink last night and this morning, the scan itself went much better than the one he had in the hospital. The scan is looking for any abscesses or abnormal fluid collections in his abdomen. Hopefully it reads clear; he's not too thrilled about the possibility of having to go back on another antibiotic. We shall see... I'm having lots of pre-labor activity. Hayden should be here any time now. Mitchell got the crib set up last night... Yea! And the girls put the bedding on. They did a great job and were very proud of themselves for their efforts. Thanks to the shower and the generosity of others, we now have various and a sundry baby paraphernalia. Every day now Taylor asks me if it's a possibility that Hayden could come "today". The answer now is YUP!

almost there

Being almost 36 weeks pregnant, I am realizing that I am almost done with this gestating thing. Weird. It doesn't seem like that much time has passed. And then I look down at my burgeoning belly, and I feel as though I'm at least 60 weeks pregnant. I don't feel bad per se, just uncomfortable. It's difficult to sleep as I must get up every 40 minutes to empty my bladder and I can only sleep on my left side otherwise my right arm falls asleep and becomes a dead piece of meat that dangles from my shoulder. I have that distinctive pregnant lady waddle, try as I might to walk like a normal person. None of my shirts will cover that bottom part of my belly...maternity or not, so I'm constantly walking around hiking up my pants. By the end of the day, my feet (when I can see them) slightly resemble marshmallow puffs stuck to the ends of my legs. I haven't seen my crotch in awhile. Putting lotion on my calves and feet has become a near impossible feat. And I often feel as though I have a little Hayden-hand hanging out of my cervix.

things known

We now know that Mitchell has more than likely had cancer for at least the last 3 years. We know that he most definitely has Stage 3 Colorectal Cancer and possibly HNPCC, a hereditary syndrome. We know that he will begin adjuvant chemotherapy in the next 2 to 3 weeks, and his treatment will last for at least 6 months. We know that the tumor perforated his bowel which caused cancerous cells to spill into his abdomen, leading to a microscopic spread of the cancer. We know that his cancer is treatable, and that the next 2 years will be crucial to his survival.

intentions

This year I hope to:

• Continue my quest to live in the moment
• Make dinner 4 nights a week
• Really listen
• Be more active
• Save more
• Find furniture for the living room
• Get to the hospital in time for an epidural
• Stay in touch
• Loosen up
• Watch less reality TV
• Read more
• Make those valences
• Use the pool more
• Beat the cancer

feeling thankful

Being that it is the end of 2008, I feel obligated to review my year and reflect on all that I am thankful for. Here goes:

• Realizing how special a moment is while in the midst of it
• Having a supportive, crazy, intrusive, loving family
• Falling in the driveway which caused me to be angry enough with Mitchell to yell at him about going to the doctor and then him actually going
• My wonderful friends who understand my need not to talk about certain things or be hugged except under extremely special circumstances
• Dr. Kommareddi
• My neighbor who will mow our lawn, bring us tamales, get rid of our dead Christmas tree, and gossip with me on a regular basis
• Our new baby
• My old babies
• Having a house big enough to hold a lot of visitors
• Living far enough away that people don't visit too often

next steps

I've scheduled all of Mitchell's follow-up appointments, and we now have a date for our preliminary appointment with the doctor at the Cancer Center. I've been rooting around online for information on Colorectal Cancer. Given what I know right now from the surgeon's final reports, I am not happy with what I am finding. I am reserving freak out mode for after we meet with the oncologist.

state of our union

Mitchell is steadily healing from his surgery. He is able to creep around the house now, even making his way up and down the stairs. He's still not sleeping consistently at night, but it's getting better. His incision is slowly healing from the inside out and beginning to itch. There is less and less ooziness each day. His CT Scan results were good. He hasn't developed any large abscesses. But we still have to be vigilant about signs of infection as small abscesses will more than likely develop. The surgeon read Mitchell's chest x-ray and reported that everything "seems normal" to her. We still haven't seen the oncologist. That probably won't happen until next week. It irritates me how long they wait to get the treatment ball rolling. I've got my 34 week prenatal appointment this afternoon. I've been doing well, other than feeling exhausted all the time...but I felt that way before so that's nothing new. =) The girls are doing well too. T has settled down a bit and D's rash is slightly better. My big problem now is getting them back on decent sleep schedules. I am dreading the agony that lack of sleep will bring when school starts up again next week.

the worst things

• Discovering you were getting a birthday massage & facial while your husband was admitting himself to the hospital
• A simple 35 minute appendectomy turning into a several hours long emergency tumor removal and colon resection
• Husband's surgeon calling you at 1:37 am from the hospital to inform you that "although things are fine", they did not go as planned
• Calling family in the middle of the night
• Watching his face as the surgeon tells him for the 3rd time that No, he didn't just have an appendectomy and it's much more serious
• Waiting for pathology reports
• Receiving pathology reports
• Colon Cancer
• Metastasized
• Lymph Nodes
• Oncologists
• Trying to live in the moment because you're afraid of tomorrow

wish list

• Pathology report to come back clean
• Mitchell home by Christmas Eve
• Life to go back to normal

Because I am a Copy Cat

100 Things to Do Before I Die stolen from Naomi Accomplished items are in bold 1. Started my own blog 2. Slept under the stars (I never enjoyed it though) 3. Played in a band (high school marching band geek) 4. Visited Hawaii 5. Watched a meteor shower 6. Given more than I can afford to charity 7. Been to Disneyland 8. Climbed a mountain 9. Held a praying mantis 10. Sang a solo (while playing the accordion) 11. Bungee jumped 12. Visited Paris 13. Watched a lightning storm at sea 14. Taught myself an art from scratch 15. Adopted a child 16. Had food poisoning (during college at Bunhuggers) 17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty 18. Grown my own veggies (grew cherry tomatoes this summer) 19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France 20. Slept on an overnight train 21. Had a pillow fight 22. Hitch hiked (although I have picked up a hitch hiker, does that count?) 23. Taken a sick day when I'm not ill (duh) 24. Built a snow fort 25. Held a lamb 26. Gone skinny dipping 27. Run a marathon (yeah, does training for one count?) 28. Ridden a gondola in Venice 29. Seen a total eclipse 30. Watched a sunrise or sunset 31. Hit a home run 32. Been on a cruise 33. Seen Niagara Falls in the flesh 34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors 35. Seen an Amish community 36. Taught myself a new language 37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied 38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person 39. Gone rock climbing 40. Seen Michelangelo's David 41. Sung karaoke 42. Seen Old Faithful erupt 43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant 44. Visited Africa 45. Walked on a beach by moonlight 46. Been transported by ambulance 47. Have my portrait painted 48. Gone deep sea fishing 49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person 50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris 51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling 52. Kissed in the rain 53. Played in the mud 54. Gone to a drive-in 55. Been in a movie 56. Visited the Great Wall of China 57. Started a business (helped start a Foundation) 58. Taken a martial arts class (Tae Kwon Do in college--hiya!) 59. Visited Russia 60. Served at a soup kitchen 61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies 62. Gone whale watching 63. Got flowers for no reason 64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma 65. Gone sky diving 66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp 67. Bounced a check 68. Flown in a helicopter 69. Saved a favorite childhood toy 70. Visited Lincoln Memorial 71. Eaten Caviar 72. Pieced a quilt 73. Stood in Times Square 74. Toured the Everglades 75. Been fired from a job 76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London 77. Broken a bone 78. Been on a speeding motorcycle 79. Seen the Grand Canyon 80. Published a book 81. Visited the Vatican 82. Bought a brand new car 83. Walked in Jerusalem 84. Had my picture in the newspaper 85. Read the entire Bible (really?) 86. Visited the White House 87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating 88. Had chicken pox 89. Saved some one's life 90. Sat on a jury 91. Met someone famous 92. Joined a book club 93. Lost a loved one 94. Had a baby 95. Seen the Alamo in person 96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake 97. Been involved in a law suit 98. Owned a cell phone 99. Been stung by a bee 100. Read an entire book in one day Conclusions drawn from this list: I need to go BACK to Europe and I should travel the US more. And I agree with Naomi. How is Adopting a child a general MUST DO for everyone? Weird.

dylan gets pinned

I can recall wanting to be a Brownie. I know I was never allowed...Something about them being some kind of facist something or other. Anywho. On Thursday, our very own Miss D joined their notorious ranks.

Official Brownie *Please note gold pin

Her true reason for joining up -- PATCHES!

why i love thanksgiving

• refrigerator lemon pie sans meringue
• dark meat
• "placenta" jello a la Aunt Karen
• Dad's cornbread stuffing (even though it has giblets in it) -- DEE-licious
• Annual Thanksgiving Poop Conversation
• hanging out with the family
• making gravy
• not eating vegetables

accosted

Today at the girls' school, some random boy jumps in front of me, rubs my belly (I hate that word), and then proceeds to embrace me for several seconds. Fully embrace. Strange, little boy cheek to baby bump. Fingers splayed against my sides, gently rubbing to and fro. He finally finishes, but before he pulls away, he gazes up at me from my mid-section. "You finished?" He gives me a final squeeze and skips away. How weird is that? He's lucky that he had the benefit of surprise, otherwise I would have had my knee in his little chest, forcing him away.

boy dog

This is my mother and her youngest son, a min-pin named Dutch. Yes, he is wearing a hoodie. Yes, that glow in my mother's eye is a loving, maternal one. My father sent this to myself and my brother yesterday evening. I guess they wanted us to know we'd been replaced.

buggin' me

You are making me irritated. In a number of different ways. No, it's nothing new, but sometimes I just want to hit you in the head with a pot.

12-ish weeks

Yup. That's right. I'm just about finished. Hard to believe but true. I haven't gotten to the point where I'm done with this whole preggers thing, although sleeping at night is currently no picnic. My average number of trips to pee between midnight and 5 am is currently 4. Just so you know...

goodnight

For me endings are always difficult. The idea of letting go causes me to struggle to hold on even tighter, grasping to prolong the moment. An impossibility, I know. But I can't seem to help myself. I am unable to stop the tumult of images and deep-seated fears from rushing in and taking me in a head lock. I worry. About the pain being felt. The fears that must be present. The inevitable end the must and will come. The loss that those remaining will be left to contend with. I fight to remain rational. Act like a grown up. And yet still it trickles out. Settling between my shoulders. I wrestle it back again and trick myself into believing that it's not really forever. It's just for awhile. Not really a goodbye, but just a goodnight.

vomit burps

I have entered the heartburn phase of my pregnancy and have spent almost the entire morning and afternoon burp/vomiting into my mouth. Oatmeal and water shouldn't cause this to happen, right? Also note that I've consumed about 47 tums in an effort to combat my problem. Not working out so well.

whew!

I am so relieved!

I'm glad this election season is almost over. I'm hoping that Americans voted with their minds and not their phobias. I know that in my ultra-conservative neighborhood, McCain will be king. But maybe, just maybe the rest of the country voted for change.

stuff that freaked me out today

• Number of women I saw out and about that had facial hair...Not just a few random wiry sprouts either. I'm talking, full-blown, shave-every-day-or-get-5-o'clock-shadow BEARDS.
• Ex-gang member dude that drew my blood for my glucose test...He had 520 tattooed on more than one finger and lots of Old English writing scrawled on his neck. I'll admit though, he did a good job.
• Getting on the scale at the OB/GYN's after my cruise...whatever, skinny people.
• My "new" boss having some else re-do my work for no good reason, but not telling me there is/was a problem.
• Sales clerk at the motherhood store where I had to go to buy some preggers pants...Why do strangers always give me uncomfortably intimate details?
• Mother of extra-loud toddler at Sonora Lab place that had shaved off her eyebrows and then sharpie-ed some back on with a seriously unsteady hand.
• Picking a few items up at the "yucky Fry's"...Why does it smell like weird, old meat and who are all those people meandering aimlessly around the entrance?

i love these guys

I have been wearing these guys non stop for the last month. Granted they are a little bit hideous, but they are super comfy and I'm pregnant so I don't care how ridiculous I look. I'm thinking of buying them in a rainbow of colors....

recently spotted

There is a sliver SUV driving around my neighborhood that proudly sports this flag on its front bumper. I've seen her around many times, and I always wonder if she truly espouses those beliefs or if it's just an "I'm-from-the-South" type o' thing. This morning, I happen to be leaving the school parking lot behind her and spotted another interesting clue about the driver. A window cling that stated, "keep the Whitehouse a White House".

Wow.

harris family jamboree 2008

At the end of the day at Castaway Cay Chillin' on the beach in the Bahamas Pretty sure we're headed to eat She thinks she's cool They're a little excited

winner, winner, chicken dinner

I have to say I wasn't terribly impressed with Gov. Palin's VP Debate debut this evening. She didn't win me over with her folksiness nor her clever quips. I was entertained by her struggle with her false eyelashes though (search Palin and eyelash trouble). She struck me as overly scripted and disingenuous. I also take issue with the number of times she used the word "Maverick".

Despite my own pet peeves, I will admit that Mrs. Palin did not make any huge gaffes as I had hoped she would. I was not so silently rooting for some incidents a la Katie Couric's interview.

Alas, I was disappointed.

deadline

Monday, October 6th is the deadline to register to vote in AZ. If you haven't done, do it! https://servicearizona.com/webapp/evoter/