guess who's coming to dinner...in february

I'll cut to the chase and just type it. I'm pregnant. I can already hear the gasps in both surprise and ill-concealed disgust. I'm sure people have questions. Here are some answers.

Inquiring Minds: This pregnancy... was it planned or a surprise? Me: Freakishly enough it was planned. I even willingly made the appointment to have my iud removed. Even better? I tracked my periods and recorded my basal temp for 4 months! How's that for attention span? IM: Aren't 2 enough!?!? Me: Apparently not. IM: Okay. Forget about overpopulating the Earth, what about your age? Aren't you close to 50 already? Me: I'll have you know I'm just as close to 20 as I am to 50. Okay. Maybe that's not true since I'm on the downhill side of 35. But still, celebrities have babies at their advanced ages every day (okay, so not the Spears but didn't Halle Berry have a baby recently?). IM: What are you thinking? You were completely in the clear. Both in school, no diapers, everybody wipes their own ass. WTF?!? Me: I'd been getting so much undisturbed sleep since moving to Tucson, I figured I needed to inject some excitment into our lives. IM: Can you afford this? Me: Theoretically, no. Realistically, sure. It'll be fabulous. And no MJ, we won't have to sell the house or borrow cashola from you. IM: Is this Mitchell's last ditch effort for a boy? Me: Perhaps. As usual, he hasn't been super-specific about the brand of baby he'd like. He just seems happy that I agreed to a third. IM: Not that you don't deserve whatever comes your way since you got yourself into this, but how're you feeling? Me: Awesome! Similar to T's first trimester, I'm desperately ill. In a typical day, I'll puke 8 to 12 times. I have a headache most days and want to sleep constantly. The girls, of course, have other plans... IM: Hey yeah, what about the girls? How do they feel about this? Me: They are ridiculously excited. They're constantly trying to feed me and bring me drinks and kissing my stomach. DeeDee's especially thrilled to take a turn as a big sister. T's planning to babysit.

vomitous

The following items made me want to puke today:

• waking up
• cinnamon life and milk
• the smell of Mitchell's cologne
• DeeDee hopping all over the bed
• Italian wedding soup
• the smell of popcorn
• Mitchell making coffee
• iceberg lettuce & cucumbers
• standing up
• laying down
• sitting

sloth

I know I'm a lazy bum when I'm laying in bed starving. stomach audibly growling but suffering through it because I simply cannot face hauling my butt off the bed, down the stairs and into the kitchen to try to figure out food that would make the grumblies go away. Meh.

toilet terrorist

It goes without saying that cleaning the toilet's the worst. There are few things that beat its germ-ridden disgustingness. But it's that much more horrifying when a urine bandit lives amongst you. You know this villain, it's the mysterious anti-hero who's super powers include getting urine ALL OVER the toilet. Everywhere.

Like up on the rim under the seat itself. On the underside of the seat. On that back part where the seat screws into the bowl. Down the sides of the bowl where the toilet connects to the floor. Even, miraculously, horrifyingly on the f'ing wall next to the toilet.

I used to think my husband was the pee bandit. Now I'm not so sure. Granted, he's got the equipment that would best lend itself to the bandit's trademark leavings.... But now that we're living with a larger number of toilets at our disposable, I'm thinking Superdoodle's the culprit. Her bathroom terrorism has been known to reach epic proportions.

At times she can even get poop on the toilet's rim. Yes. Poop. I don't know how she does it. Just that she does, and it freaks me out. Her butt's so little and that opening is so open. It's come to the point that I've had to hold toilet lectures a la my father circa 1986, complete with wiping re-training and apparatus mount and dismount techniques.

So far, it's not working.

hold up

Don't you hate it sometimes when you get what you want, and then you're like, Oh wait, did I really want that?

reasons i hate summer tv programming

• American Gladiators: Really? Does the world really need this? I didn't like this show when it was on in the 80s. Additionally, I resent the fact that the show's promos capitalize on pseudo patriotism, like your a bad American if you hate these 'roided out freaks and the wussies who challenge them.


• TV's Most Outrageous Moments: First of all, I take issue with NBC running back to back episodes. Second, what's with the "INSTANT REPLAYS" for every, SINGLE freakin' clip. GAWD! In watching the show for 4 minutes I realized that the creators don't actually understand what the word "outrageous" means. In actuality, it should be entitled TV's Most Staged Moments. Boo.


• The Moment of Truth: I have nothing really to say about this show because I've never seen it, but that has to tell you something about how crappy this show actually is because I will watch anything. TV whore, remember?


• NBA Playoffs and/or Finals: Sports on tv sucks. They should only be allowed to air games on special sports related channels, such as ESPN or ESPN2 or whatever.

already

The girls have been home less than an hour and already T has had fit and stormed upstairs, shrieking and squawking, D has reverted back to baby talk and I am missing my quiet house.

yikes

Mitchell's face looks a LOT like this guy's today (minus the gauged ears and whiteness and non-receding hairline). He can barely open his mouth. When I asked him how he felt, he said, "Fine" through clenched teeth. When I asked him if he wanted some prescription grade ibuprofen, he refused (duh, why'd I even ask?). When I asked him if he had a dental appointment, he just looked at me with that dull, dead-eyed shark look he gets when I ask him a question he's not ever going to answer.

Anyone wanna take bets on how long it takes him to get to a dentist? I'm counting on at least a week, probably more like 2.

dammit

I wasn't backing Clinton just because she's a woman. I was happy that a woman of her caliber had risen through the political ranks to have a chance at running for president. I was excited to imagine what her presidency might be like. I believed in her health care platform as well as her plans for education. I think she was savvy enough to manage foreign policy and socially conscious enough to deal with our domestic issues head on. She's certainly strong enough to be a world leader. She's more than smart enough.

And maybe she didn't have the greatest hair or the keenest fashion sense. Or the best marriage. Or have typical maternal tendencies that caused her to say, "Sorry" a lot and cry or end every statement as if it were a question. But that's what I liked about her. She was strong and no nonsense and intelligent. And I think she'd have made a kick ass president.

things i want to go away

• Super-competitive moms: I don't care if your kid gets honor roll in the third grade. It's the 3rd fucking grade.
• Huggers: Hello, Goodbye, Glad to see you, I like your new rug...None of these situations call for us to hug.
• Cicadas and waterbugs: I'm sick of fishing your corpses out of my pool. Learn from your ancestors already.
• Pushy neighbors: I don't want to join your church, take care of your kids, or form any other sort of intimate emotional bond.
• The phrase "I'm bored; there's nothing to do.": Thank GOD summer's only 7 weeks long. My children wouldn't survive 3 months.
• Let's-do-it-together moms: I like to do things on my own. If I get eaten by a coyote on my solo morning walk, that's my problem. There's no need for us to get our husbands the same gift for Father's Day; that's just weird. Have an original thought for once.
• Backhanded compliments: Be like me, just say nothing.