i shall call you squishy

It's officially real. Today we heard the baby's heartbeat. There were a few freaky moments before that fuzzy "wah, wah, wah" resounded over the speaker when it was hiding from us, and I was having all those fatalistic thoughts I'm prone to have. But suddenly it was there. Nice and strong and fast. I let out a sigh of relief and greeted my new squishy.

activi-yuck

The most recent commercial for Dannon's new poop yogurt kind of freaks me out. Have you seen this thing? It's the one were the two women are hanging out by the pool. The peppy one asks the clearly stopped up one, "Hey! You gettin' in?" The other responds basically with "No thanks, I haven't pooped in weeks; I can't swim." Okay. I talk about poop and pooping a lot. I have friends and family that love the topic equally as much. All this poop discussion has never led to a situation where someone is NOT getting in the pool because they have an over due b.m. Aunt Flo visiting? Yes. Explosive diarrhea? Check. Projectile vomiting? No brainer. But Can't Poop Syndrome? No. Never. Not once. Every time I see the ad it freaks me out a little more. Who is this product's target audience? Should I not be submerging myself in bodies of water every time I experience some intestinal transit slowness?

new diet plan

I have stumbled upon the best diet on earth. It's called The First Trimester Pregnancy Diet. It's super easy. All you've got to do is get impregnated. That where your work ends. There's no calorie counting, portion control, nada. About 4 weeks into it, your diet plan kicks in. You will no longer be able to consume dairy, most meats, sugar or just about anything else depending upon the day without violent vomiting and yes, even sometimes, diarrhea. It's truly amazing. Granted you will have to cope with almost constant nausea, but it's completely worth the 10 plus pounds you're likely to drop in a flash. And get this people, it happens with absolutely NO physical exercise. More than likely, you'll be required to increase your sitting on your ass and nap time exponentially because you'll have NO energy to do anything else. The downside, of course, is the fact that as you move out of your 1st trimester your urge to purge will be greatly reduced, and you'll most likely gain 25 to 50 lbs. Oh. That and the fact that your ob really frowns upon losing weight while pregnant and will even threaten to hospitalize you if you can't get it together.

bad mommy

The girls started a new year on Monday. Can you say, Thank the freakin' Lord? I did. Trust me. I took not one photo to document the girls' new adventure. I meant to. I thought about it the night before. I remember thinking about it as I was driving away from the school after having walked them to their line ups. I whole heartedly meant to take pics after school. I forgot about that too. Okay. So I'd just fib a little and pretend like today was the day and snap their smiley faces. I didn't happen. Bad Mommy.

joys of pregnancy: #1

Being in your first trimester, constipation is a pretty typical condition. It's one of those things you tend to forget about once you're out of the situation. But then you're in it again, and you're like, "WTF. How could I have forgotten this?" Part of life's plan, I think. To make you forget those little unpleasantries so you'll foolishly decide to do it again. Procreate, I mean.

It's totally common for me to go 3 go 5 days without pooping. I try not to dwell on my lack of bowl movements. It's just the way things are when you're pregnant. No big deal. It's just that when I do finally poop, it's kind of horrifying. Horrifying in that it's the color of creamed spinach, and it's taken 3 to 5 days to exit my system.

toilet shoe

See that little piece of floor, right there between the grimey bowl and the steel divider thingy? That's where my flipper became wedged in the Target bathroom the other day.

How in the world could that happen? I don't know about you, but I can't remember the last time I used my hand to flush a public toilet. Besides, it's a public metal. I'm not touching that.

So that is how I found myself, shoeless, struggling to unwedge my flipper out from under that public cesspool of germitude, slightly nauseous, balancing on my one stumpy leg, while trying to touch as little as possible.

Thankfully I was successful in my rescue of my foot gear. And yes, I did put it in the washer when I arrived home.