snowy tuesday

Much to Dylan's delight, this is the scene that greeted us this morning. Mitchell helps with insulation.

9 days

I am mesmerized.

treatment milestone

Mitchell finished his first cycle of oral chemo today. Starting this evening he gets 7 days off. No drugs except the one he takes for his newly diagnosed high blood pressure. I'm hoping some of the side affects he's developed will go away fairly quickly so we can get a short reprieve before we begin round two.

welcome

Hayden Elizabeth arrived on Saturday, January 31, 2009 at 3:33 in the afternoon.

She weighed 6 lbs and 12.9 oz and is 19.25 inches long.

She entered the world wide-eyed and contemplative.

I can already tell she is wise beyond her years.

final countdown

As a good friend pointed out to me, I am just about 36 hours away from my own personal D-Day. Having this induction scheduled since early LAST week has caused me difficulty. Why is that? you ponder. It's like having that awesome vacation planned a year in advance. You're constantly thinking, "I can't WAIT until that freakin' vacation!" I wake up in the middle of the night contemplating uterine tightenings and radiating pains. In the middle of working or watching TV or having a conversation, I think about it. Every time I have a low back pain, I think, THIS IS IT! Only to be devastated. I suppose the positive is that no matter what at 7:30 am on Saturday, January 31, 2009, I will be checking in to the hospital to finally have this baby.

diarrhea

• Stomach cramps
• Loud bubbling noises emanating from my mid-section
• 300 trips to the toilet
• Prayers to the heavens to make it stop
• Adobe mud huts
• Ring of fire

hayden watch 2009

We are currently on official Hayden Watch. Since Sunday, I've been having fairly regularly (although painless) contractions for the majority of each day and night. If history can tell us anything, this will go on for a while longer until my body finally realizes that it needs to get with the program and begin labor for realsies. If my uterus has aged to the point where it will no longer get busy on its own, we have already scheduled an induction for Jan. 31st. Woo hoo!

beginnings

Mitchell's treatment journey officially began on Thursday. He experienced the first of what I'm sure will seem like millions of blood draws. Incidentally, the gentleman drawing Mitchell's blood had the shortest legs I'd ever seen on an adult. You can't really tell from the pic, but they were remarkably brief, his legs.

We then proceeded to a Chemo Meeting with one of the chemo nurses at the AZ Cancer Center. After the powerpoint we were able to tour the Infusion Pods where patients receive treatment. Strangely it was extremely reminiscent of that Freshman Orientation meeting and tour you attend right before you start college. Same nervous feeling. Same quiet conversation with the person you came with about the idiotic question/comment the person over there just made. Same anticipation about seeing just where you'll be spending so much of your time and how it all works. As we drove home turning over the myriad of mild to horrific side effects of chemo drugs, we made small talk. Effectively avoiding the giant treatment elephant riding in the car with us.

Friday was ridiculously busy. 8 am brought ambulatory surgery at UMC for the implantation of Mitchell's Power Port. Standing in the over bright, cramped pre-op room with the business-as-usual prep nurse, Mitchell's nervousness was palpable. The resident performing the procedure looked like she would be more comfortable hanging out in the quad on campus then tunneling into my husband's vascular tissue surrounding his heart. The procedure was over fairly quickly; it only took about 50 minutes. Mitchell was deliberately donning his clothes when I entered his curtained post-op space. He looked dazed but well. The nurse reviewed the discharge notes, directing most of his spiel to me as I was the only one of us who would recall his words.

By the time we finally reached the Cancer Center, we were over 45 minutes late for our appointment with Mitchell's oncologist. We waited briefly before our Olive Garden style pager lit up and began to vibrate, instructing us to "Please proceed to the Pitt Pavilion." Dr. Brown went over Mitchell's PET scan with us. Looking at the 11x14 glossy photo of Mitchell's insides, the dark spots cover his liver were instantly obvious. We were able to count 7 lesions riddling his liver, in addition to two smallish spots on his right lung and left pelvis.

Phrases like "Metastatic Disease", "Stage IV", "still a good chance", "additional treatment protocols" and "radio static surgery" were uttered. People always talk about feeling numb during times like these. I was hoping for numb. Instead I felt hyper sensitized. My eyes turned into big watery saucers. My eyes boring into the doctor's shiny bald forehead. The baby continues to kick and turn. Another doctor barges into the room, unaware that it's occupants are in the midst of receiving earth shattering news. With a loud "OOPS", she exits. Dr. Brown seems to not notice. As I always, I begin asking questions. Taking notes. It helps to make me feel grounded. Mitchell is almost completely silent.

By 1 we are in the infusion pod, the dextrose with the steroid and meds for anxiety and nausea are hung. Later the first chemo drug is administered. The treatment takes the rest of the afternoon and into the early evening. Mitchell is able to sleep for the majority of it. The stress of that morning's surgery and everything else taking it's toll. People come in and out. Cancer patients of all diagnoses receiving treatment. I'm envious of the 20-something with breast cancer who is in and out in under an hour, talking and laughing loudly the entire time.

another thing I like

My good buddy Naomi hipped me to the Hello Quizzy site. I like it. It has a multitude of random, time-wasting quizzes that are interesting and entertaining. You should go there.

http://www.helloquizzy.com

results

The oncologist informed us that there are "spots on Mitchell's liver and lung". Mitchell received this news late this evening over the phone. I haven't been able to speak with the doctor about it, so I know nothing more than he will be doing the additional Evastin injections.

new ground

While watching this morning's Inauguration Ceremony I think about the fact that only a handful of years prior to my birth, my parents' union would have been considered illegal across much of these United States. I recall a morning in 1980 as I walked to school with my brother wearing my Kelly green "The ERA is for my FUTURE" t-shirt when a grown man sneered at me, "You're future is fucked, girl". I can remember many firsts for Black Americans, mostly having to do with athletics and/or entertainment, and hearing my mother in the background, "See, [S]he's brown like you. That could be you one day."

This morning I watch as an exceptional American is sworn into the United States' Presidency. I watch his wife touch his neck as he takes in the events around him. His children chatter and smile excitedly in front of a nation and I am struck by their similarity to mine. I listen to his words and feel a sense of wonder that my third child will be born into a world that is vastly different from my parents' and mine.

37 weeks

My feet have never looked so teeny tiny. My midsection...Never so ENORMOUS. Thirty seven weeks have flown by and I'm knee deep in 22 trips to the toilet per night, itchy belly skin, nightmares of my water breaking in inopportune locales and people constantly asking me, "Haven't you had that baby yet?" That last one has to be my favorite as clearly I am barely sporting a bump.

treatment update

Mitchell's treatment ball is finally beginning to roll. Next Thursday afternoon, we will attend an "Everything-You-Ever-Wanted-to-Know-About-Cancer-Treatment" informational session. The very next morning, he will have his porta-cath installed (that seems like the wrong word when referring to a human) and his first IV treatment will be that afternoon and will last approximately 4 and a half hours.

We still haven't received the results of the PET scan. I'm not sure what that means, but his blood tests that Dr. Brown (the oncologist) ordered all came back "clean".

stair gymnastics

In the moments before you fall down the stairs, you have this surreal cartoon-character moment...Arms flailing, mouth shaped in an "O" making that "Woo! Woo! Woooooo!" sound. And then you fall, CRASH, THUMP, BANG! To land in a heap on the mid-point landing... Gasping for breath and laughing at yourself. You hear Mitchell running for the first time in a while and look up to see Taylor peek worriedly over the top railing. No one thinks it's funny but you. You can't stop laughing. Even though your butt is already sore. Even though Hayden is now performing some wild acrobatics en utero. But it is funny because you can picture exactly how ridiculous you looked as you tumbled down to land in a big pregnant lump.

update

Mitchell had a CT scan today. Although he had trouble with the barium he had to drink last night and this morning, the scan itself went much better than the one he had in the hospital. The scan is looking for any abscesses or abnormal fluid collections in his abdomen. Hopefully it reads clear; he's not too thrilled about the possibility of having to go back on another antibiotic. We shall see... I'm having lots of pre-labor activity. Hayden should be here any time now. Mitchell got the crib set up last night... Yea! And the girls put the bedding on. They did a great job and were very proud of themselves for their efforts. Thanks to the shower and the generosity of others, we now have various and a sundry baby paraphernalia. Every day now Taylor asks me if it's a possibility that Hayden could come "today". The answer now is YUP!

almost there

Being almost 36 weeks pregnant, I am realizing that I am almost done with this gestating thing. Weird. It doesn't seem like that much time has passed. And then I look down at my burgeoning belly, and I feel as though I'm at least 60 weeks pregnant. I don't feel bad per se, just uncomfortable. It's difficult to sleep as I must get up every 40 minutes to empty my bladder and I can only sleep on my left side otherwise my right arm falls asleep and becomes a dead piece of meat that dangles from my shoulder. I have that distinctive pregnant lady waddle, try as I might to walk like a normal person. None of my shirts will cover that bottom part of my belly...maternity or not, so I'm constantly walking around hiking up my pants. By the end of the day, my feet (when I can see them) slightly resemble marshmallow puffs stuck to the ends of my legs. I haven't seen my crotch in awhile. Putting lotion on my calves and feet has become a near impossible feat. And I often feel as though I have a little Hayden-hand hanging out of my cervix.

things known

We now know that Mitchell has more than likely had cancer for at least the last 3 years. We know that he most definitely has Stage 3 Colorectal Cancer and possibly HNPCC, a hereditary syndrome. We know that he will begin adjuvant chemotherapy in the next 2 to 3 weeks, and his treatment will last for at least 6 months. We know that the tumor perforated his bowel which caused cancerous cells to spill into his abdomen, leading to a microscopic spread of the cancer. We know that his cancer is treatable, and that the next 2 years will be crucial to his survival.

intentions

This year I hope to:

• Continue my quest to live in the moment
• Make dinner 4 nights a week
• Really listen
• Be more active
• Save more
• Find furniture for the living room
• Get to the hospital in time for an epidural
• Stay in touch
• Loosen up
• Watch less reality TV
• Read more
• Make those valences
• Use the pool more
• Beat the cancer

feeling thankful

Being that it is the end of 2008, I feel obligated to review my year and reflect on all that I am thankful for. Here goes:

• Realizing how special a moment is while in the midst of it
• Having a supportive, crazy, intrusive, loving family
• Falling in the driveway which caused me to be angry enough with Mitchell to yell at him about going to the doctor and then him actually going
• My wonderful friends who understand my need not to talk about certain things or be hugged except under extremely special circumstances
• Dr. Kommareddi
• My neighbor who will mow our lawn, bring us tamales, get rid of our dead Christmas tree, and gossip with me on a regular basis
• Our new baby
• My old babies
• Having a house big enough to hold a lot of visitors
• Living far enough away that people don't visit too often

next steps

I've scheduled all of Mitchell's follow-up appointments, and we now have a date for our preliminary appointment with the doctor at the Cancer Center. I've been rooting around online for information on Colorectal Cancer. Given what I know right now from the surgeon's final reports, I am not happy with what I am finding. I am reserving freak out mode for after we meet with the oncologist.

state of our union

Mitchell is steadily healing from his surgery. He is able to creep around the house now, even making his way up and down the stairs. He's still not sleeping consistently at night, but it's getting better. His incision is slowly healing from the inside out and beginning to itch. There is less and less ooziness each day. His CT Scan results were good. He hasn't developed any large abscesses. But we still have to be vigilant about signs of infection as small abscesses will more than likely develop. The surgeon read Mitchell's chest x-ray and reported that everything "seems normal" to her. We still haven't seen the oncologist. That probably won't happen until next week. It irritates me how long they wait to get the treatment ball rolling. I've got my 34 week prenatal appointment this afternoon. I've been doing well, other than feeling exhausted all the time...but I felt that way before so that's nothing new. =) The girls are doing well too. T has settled down a bit and D's rash is slightly better. My big problem now is getting them back on decent sleep schedules. I am dreading the agony that lack of sleep will bring when school starts up again next week.

the worst things

• Discovering you were getting a birthday massage & facial while your husband was admitting himself to the hospital
• A simple 35 minute appendectomy turning into a several hours long emergency tumor removal and colon resection
• Husband's surgeon calling you at 1:37 am from the hospital to inform you that "although things are fine", they did not go as planned
• Calling family in the middle of the night
• Watching his face as the surgeon tells him for the 3rd time that No, he didn't just have an appendectomy and it's much more serious
• Waiting for pathology reports
• Receiving pathology reports
• Colon Cancer
• Metastasized
• Lymph Nodes
• Oncologists
• Trying to live in the moment because you're afraid of tomorrow

wish list

• Pathology report to come back clean
• Mitchell home by Christmas Eve
• Life to go back to normal

Because I am a Copy Cat

100 Things to Do Before I Die stolen from Naomi Accomplished items are in bold 1. Started my own blog 2. Slept under the stars (I never enjoyed it though) 3. Played in a band (high school marching band geek) 4. Visited Hawaii 5. Watched a meteor shower 6. Given more than I can afford to charity 7. Been to Disneyland 8. Climbed a mountain 9. Held a praying mantis 10. Sang a solo (while playing the accordion) 11. Bungee jumped 12. Visited Paris 13. Watched a lightning storm at sea 14. Taught myself an art from scratch 15. Adopted a child 16. Had food poisoning (during college at Bunhuggers) 17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty 18. Grown my own veggies (grew cherry tomatoes this summer) 19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France 20. Slept on an overnight train 21. Had a pillow fight 22. Hitch hiked (although I have picked up a hitch hiker, does that count?) 23. Taken a sick day when I'm not ill (duh) 24. Built a snow fort 25. Held a lamb 26. Gone skinny dipping 27. Run a marathon (yeah, does training for one count?) 28. Ridden a gondola in Venice 29. Seen a total eclipse 30. Watched a sunrise or sunset 31. Hit a home run 32. Been on a cruise 33. Seen Niagara Falls in the flesh 34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors 35. Seen an Amish community 36. Taught myself a new language 37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied 38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person 39. Gone rock climbing 40. Seen Michelangelo's David 41. Sung karaoke 42. Seen Old Faithful erupt 43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant 44. Visited Africa 45. Walked on a beach by moonlight 46. Been transported by ambulance 47. Have my portrait painted 48. Gone deep sea fishing 49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person 50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris 51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling 52. Kissed in the rain 53. Played in the mud 54. Gone to a drive-in 55. Been in a movie 56. Visited the Great Wall of China 57. Started a business (helped start a Foundation) 58. Taken a martial arts class (Tae Kwon Do in college--hiya!) 59. Visited Russia 60. Served at a soup kitchen 61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies 62. Gone whale watching 63. Got flowers for no reason 64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma 65. Gone sky diving 66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp 67. Bounced a check 68. Flown in a helicopter 69. Saved a favorite childhood toy 70. Visited Lincoln Memorial 71. Eaten Caviar 72. Pieced a quilt 73. Stood in Times Square 74. Toured the Everglades 75. Been fired from a job 76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London 77. Broken a bone 78. Been on a speeding motorcycle 79. Seen the Grand Canyon 80. Published a book 81. Visited the Vatican 82. Bought a brand new car 83. Walked in Jerusalem 84. Had my picture in the newspaper 85. Read the entire Bible (really?) 86. Visited the White House 87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating 88. Had chicken pox 89. Saved some one's life 90. Sat on a jury 91. Met someone famous 92. Joined a book club 93. Lost a loved one 94. Had a baby 95. Seen the Alamo in person 96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake 97. Been involved in a law suit 98. Owned a cell phone 99. Been stung by a bee 100. Read an entire book in one day Conclusions drawn from this list: I need to go BACK to Europe and I should travel the US more. And I agree with Naomi. How is Adopting a child a general MUST DO for everyone? Weird.

dylan gets pinned

I can recall wanting to be a Brownie. I know I was never allowed...Something about them being some kind of facist something or other. Anywho. On Thursday, our very own Miss D joined their notorious ranks.

Official Brownie *Please note gold pin

Her true reason for joining up -- PATCHES!

why i love thanksgiving

• refrigerator lemon pie sans meringue
• dark meat
• "placenta" jello a la Aunt Karen
• Dad's cornbread stuffing (even though it has giblets in it) -- DEE-licious
• Annual Thanksgiving Poop Conversation
• hanging out with the family
• making gravy
• not eating vegetables

accosted

Today at the girls' school, some random boy jumps in front of me, rubs my belly (I hate that word), and then proceeds to embrace me for several seconds. Fully embrace. Strange, little boy cheek to baby bump. Fingers splayed against my sides, gently rubbing to and fro. He finally finishes, but before he pulls away, he gazes up at me from my mid-section. "You finished?" He gives me a final squeeze and skips away. How weird is that? He's lucky that he had the benefit of surprise, otherwise I would have had my knee in his little chest, forcing him away.

boy dog

This is my mother and her youngest son, a min-pin named Dutch. Yes, he is wearing a hoodie. Yes, that glow in my mother's eye is a loving, maternal one. My father sent this to myself and my brother yesterday evening. I guess they wanted us to know we'd been replaced.

buggin' me

You are making me irritated. In a number of different ways. No, it's nothing new, but sometimes I just want to hit you in the head with a pot.

12-ish weeks

Yup. That's right. I'm just about finished. Hard to believe but true. I haven't gotten to the point where I'm done with this whole preggers thing, although sleeping at night is currently no picnic. My average number of trips to pee between midnight and 5 am is currently 4. Just so you know...

goodnight

For me endings are always difficult. The idea of letting go causes me to struggle to hold on even tighter, grasping to prolong the moment. An impossibility, I know. But I can't seem to help myself. I am unable to stop the tumult of images and deep-seated fears from rushing in and taking me in a head lock. I worry. About the pain being felt. The fears that must be present. The inevitable end the must and will come. The loss that those remaining will be left to contend with. I fight to remain rational. Act like a grown up. And yet still it trickles out. Settling between my shoulders. I wrestle it back again and trick myself into believing that it's not really forever. It's just for awhile. Not really a goodbye, but just a goodnight.

vomit burps

I have entered the heartburn phase of my pregnancy and have spent almost the entire morning and afternoon burp/vomiting into my mouth. Oatmeal and water shouldn't cause this to happen, right? Also note that I've consumed about 47 tums in an effort to combat my problem. Not working out so well.

whew!

I am so relieved!

I'm glad this election season is almost over. I'm hoping that Americans voted with their minds and not their phobias. I know that in my ultra-conservative neighborhood, McCain will be king. But maybe, just maybe the rest of the country voted for change.

stuff that freaked me out today

• Number of women I saw out and about that had facial hair...Not just a few random wiry sprouts either. I'm talking, full-blown, shave-every-day-or-get-5-o'clock-shadow BEARDS.
• Ex-gang member dude that drew my blood for my glucose test...He had 520 tattooed on more than one finger and lots of Old English writing scrawled on his neck. I'll admit though, he did a good job.
• Getting on the scale at the OB/GYN's after my cruise...whatever, skinny people.
• My "new" boss having some else re-do my work for no good reason, but not telling me there is/was a problem.
• Sales clerk at the motherhood store where I had to go to buy some preggers pants...Why do strangers always give me uncomfortably intimate details?
• Mother of extra-loud toddler at Sonora Lab place that had shaved off her eyebrows and then sharpie-ed some back on with a seriously unsteady hand.
• Picking a few items up at the "yucky Fry's"...Why does it smell like weird, old meat and who are all those people meandering aimlessly around the entrance?

i love these guys

I have been wearing these guys non stop for the last month. Granted they are a little bit hideous, but they are super comfy and I'm pregnant so I don't care how ridiculous I look. I'm thinking of buying them in a rainbow of colors....

recently spotted

There is a sliver SUV driving around my neighborhood that proudly sports this flag on its front bumper. I've seen her around many times, and I always wonder if she truly espouses those beliefs or if it's just an "I'm-from-the-South" type o' thing. This morning, I happen to be leaving the school parking lot behind her and spotted another interesting clue about the driver. A window cling that stated, "keep the Whitehouse a White House".

Wow.

harris family jamboree 2008

At the end of the day at Castaway Cay Chillin' on the beach in the Bahamas Pretty sure we're headed to eat She thinks she's cool They're a little excited

winner, winner, chicken dinner

I have to say I wasn't terribly impressed with Gov. Palin's VP Debate debut this evening. She didn't win me over with her folksiness nor her clever quips. I was entertained by her struggle with her false eyelashes though (search Palin and eyelash trouble). She struck me as overly scripted and disingenuous. I also take issue with the number of times she used the word "Maverick".

Despite my own pet peeves, I will admit that Mrs. Palin did not make any huge gaffes as I had hoped she would. I was not so silently rooting for some incidents a la Katie Couric's interview.

Alas, I was disappointed.

deadline

Monday, October 6th is the deadline to register to vote in AZ. If you haven't done, do it! https://servicearizona.com/webapp/evoter/

seriously

This excerpt is from an article Michael Seitzman wrote on Sept. 11th for huffingtonpost.com. It spoke to me on so many levels. Thought I'd share.

Stop voting for people you want to have a beer with. Stop voting for folksy. Stop voting for people who remind you of your neighbor. Stop voting for the ideologically intransigent, the staggeringly ignorant, and the blazingly incompetent. Vote for someone smarter than you. Vote for someone who inspires you. Vote for someone who has not only traveled the world but who has also shown a deep understanding and compassion for it. The stakes are real and they're terrifyingly high. This election matters. It matters. It really matters. Let me say that one more time. This. Really. Matters.

sugar n spice

We are having our third girl. I'm excited and more than a little relieved. I'm not sure I was prepared for a boy and all the rugged items that go with it. After some bitterness, Taylor has reconciled herself with the fact that she won't have a little brother like she wanted. Dylan was thrilled to see the lack of a dangling participle on the sonogram screen. Everyone keeps worrying about Mitchell and his need for male offspring to carry on his lineage, but he seemed unfazed by the lack of penis.

rant

After I returned home from picking up the girls, my neighbor called ... the church-y one. Of course she needed a favor. Of course she wanted me to hop BACK in my car and run and get her kids from school then keep them til she got home. This isn't the surprising/frustrating part. Wait for it. Here it comes.... Her husband was driving home in the car ahead of mine as I headed home. We pulled into our driveways almost simultaneously. Unloading our belongings in sync, mine being girls and school paraphernalia. His being bags or something. We exchanged pleasantries, and I went inside. Two minutes later his wife is calling me to pick up and keep their kids. WTF? How did I become #1 on the Who-to-Call-When-I-Can't-Pick-Up-My-Kids List? Ahead of the father of said children. I was more than happy to be able to inform her that her husband was currently at home. Available to pick up their kids and all she needed to do was give him a ring.

butt problems

Last April, I mysteriously injured my coccyx while riding on one of the rickety-ass rides featured at the Pima County Fair. Since then, I have experienced varying degrees of butt pain while sitting. Being preggo has only exacerbated the problem which has led me to finally complain to my ob/gyn about the situation. She in turn referred me to a physical therapist. WEIRD. First of all, the questionaire she sent me contained entirely too many questions about urine seepage and alleged difficulties with pooping. Then there was the rather disturbing initial phone conversation which involved the words "rectal" and "manipulation". Aside from having to answer uncomfortable questions about the number of times per week I am or am not pooping and whether or not I pee myself when I cough or sneeze, the whole thing went off fairly well. Thankfully I survived my first session sans any invasive internal probing.

cycle 11

Yea for the CDub! ANTM is back. Last Wednesday's season premiere was pretty amazing. Tyra was as ridiculous as ever, which I L-O-V-E-D. This year's opening had a futuristic theme, which featured some extremely low-budget special effects. Not very futuristic. But Tyra tried her best to make up for it by attempting to act like a robot, or "Tyra-Bot". It was very much a train wreck, but like most horrible scenes, I could not bring myself to look away.

pool mouse

I scooped this unlucky little sucker out of our pool Tuesday. Poor little guy. I'm hoping he was accidentally dropped after expiring by a clumsy bird of prey flying over our backyard.

Is it weird that I was compelled to record his image photographically?

cardboard is evil

I hate cardboard because periodically it manages to give me crazy-deep paper cuts. Right on the tip of my finger. Where anything I touch will cause it to burn like fire. Curse you, evil hot chocolate mix box. CURSE YOU!

don't stand so close to me

Recently I'm eating lunch at Taco Bell aka Toxic Belch aka I-Wanna-Get-Explosive-Diarrhea-Immediately. I am attempting to pay the dim-witted girl who has just half-heartedly taken my order when 2 teenage boys saunter/slouch into the place. One of whom proceeds to approach the counter and stands SHOULDER TO SHOULDER with me. First of all, a lot of times I don't want my own family to touch me. Second, why is this AXE-saturated degenerate feeling comfortable/confident enough to saunter over to a 35 year old stay at home mom and rub elbows with her? I immediately poke my unexfoliated elbows in his direction and make unfriendly old person noises. This doesn't make a dent and I am forced to verbalize my displeasure, "Hey, Kid! Watch where you're standing!" I've never sounded so old.

pool frog

This slimy thing has been frequenting our pool hole. Trust me. He is fat and disgusting, and I'm fairly positive he leaves some sort of wretched residue in his froggy wake. Go away, gross froggy. Go away!

midwest extravaganza

Much of our time in Madison, WI was spent this way. See me in the background on the couch? That's about as exciting as it got. We did venture outside for a short while to jump rope with a TELEPHONE cord... Saying goodbye and heading to ChiTown The Windy City Minutes after the ceremony

good news

Got the genetic all clear from the Dr. the other day! Way to go Squishy of the Thin Neck Skin!

squishy makes an appearance

Here is the latest pic of Squishy. S/he is lazing away comfortably in utero. This was taken last week during an extensive exam I like to call "You're-Probably-Too-Old-To-Have-A-Baby-But-Somehow-You've-Gotten-Yourself-Preggers-So-We've-Got-To-Check-It-For-Genetic-Freakiness". I have yet to receive the thumbs up or down as to my newest offspring's genetic normality(or lack thereof), but the Tech performing the exam was quite excited by the thinness of Squishy's neck skin.

Maybe it's just because I'm the Mom, but I fancy I can make out a little nose and some more of the trademark Harris lips.

i shall call you squishy

It's officially real. Today we heard the baby's heartbeat. There were a few freaky moments before that fuzzy "wah, wah, wah" resounded over the speaker when it was hiding from us, and I was having all those fatalistic thoughts I'm prone to have. But suddenly it was there. Nice and strong and fast. I let out a sigh of relief and greeted my new squishy.

activi-yuck

The most recent commercial for Dannon's new poop yogurt kind of freaks me out. Have you seen this thing? It's the one were the two women are hanging out by the pool. The peppy one asks the clearly stopped up one, "Hey! You gettin' in?" The other responds basically with "No thanks, I haven't pooped in weeks; I can't swim." Okay. I talk about poop and pooping a lot. I have friends and family that love the topic equally as much. All this poop discussion has never led to a situation where someone is NOT getting in the pool because they have an over due b.m. Aunt Flo visiting? Yes. Explosive diarrhea? Check. Projectile vomiting? No brainer. But Can't Poop Syndrome? No. Never. Not once. Every time I see the ad it freaks me out a little more. Who is this product's target audience? Should I not be submerging myself in bodies of water every time I experience some intestinal transit slowness?

new diet plan

I have stumbled upon the best diet on earth. It's called The First Trimester Pregnancy Diet. It's super easy. All you've got to do is get impregnated. That where your work ends. There's no calorie counting, portion control, nada. About 4 weeks into it, your diet plan kicks in. You will no longer be able to consume dairy, most meats, sugar or just about anything else depending upon the day without violent vomiting and yes, even sometimes, diarrhea. It's truly amazing. Granted you will have to cope with almost constant nausea, but it's completely worth the 10 plus pounds you're likely to drop in a flash. And get this people, it happens with absolutely NO physical exercise. More than likely, you'll be required to increase your sitting on your ass and nap time exponentially because you'll have NO energy to do anything else. The downside, of course, is the fact that as you move out of your 1st trimester your urge to purge will be greatly reduced, and you'll most likely gain 25 to 50 lbs. Oh. That and the fact that your ob really frowns upon losing weight while pregnant and will even threaten to hospitalize you if you can't get it together.

bad mommy

The girls started a new year on Monday. Can you say, Thank the freakin' Lord? I did. Trust me. I took not one photo to document the girls' new adventure. I meant to. I thought about it the night before. I remember thinking about it as I was driving away from the school after having walked them to their line ups. I whole heartedly meant to take pics after school. I forgot about that too. Okay. So I'd just fib a little and pretend like today was the day and snap their smiley faces. I didn't happen. Bad Mommy.

joys of pregnancy: #1

Being in your first trimester, constipation is a pretty typical condition. It's one of those things you tend to forget about once you're out of the situation. But then you're in it again, and you're like, "WTF. How could I have forgotten this?" Part of life's plan, I think. To make you forget those little unpleasantries so you'll foolishly decide to do it again. Procreate, I mean.

It's totally common for me to go 3 go 5 days without pooping. I try not to dwell on my lack of bowl movements. It's just the way things are when you're pregnant. No big deal. It's just that when I do finally poop, it's kind of horrifying. Horrifying in that it's the color of creamed spinach, and it's taken 3 to 5 days to exit my system.

toilet shoe

See that little piece of floor, right there between the grimey bowl and the steel divider thingy? That's where my flipper became wedged in the Target bathroom the other day.

How in the world could that happen? I don't know about you, but I can't remember the last time I used my hand to flush a public toilet. Besides, it's a public metal. I'm not touching that.

So that is how I found myself, shoeless, struggling to unwedge my flipper out from under that public cesspool of germitude, slightly nauseous, balancing on my one stumpy leg, while trying to touch as little as possible.

Thankfully I was successful in my rescue of my foot gear. And yes, I did put it in the washer when I arrived home.

guess who's coming to dinner...in february

I'll cut to the chase and just type it. I'm pregnant. I can already hear the gasps in both surprise and ill-concealed disgust. I'm sure people have questions. Here are some answers.

Inquiring Minds: This pregnancy... was it planned or a surprise? Me: Freakishly enough it was planned. I even willingly made the appointment to have my iud removed. Even better? I tracked my periods and recorded my basal temp for 4 months! How's that for attention span? IM: Aren't 2 enough!?!? Me: Apparently not. IM: Okay. Forget about overpopulating the Earth, what about your age? Aren't you close to 50 already? Me: I'll have you know I'm just as close to 20 as I am to 50. Okay. Maybe that's not true since I'm on the downhill side of 35. But still, celebrities have babies at their advanced ages every day (okay, so not the Spears but didn't Halle Berry have a baby recently?). IM: What are you thinking? You were completely in the clear. Both in school, no diapers, everybody wipes their own ass. WTF?!? Me: I'd been getting so much undisturbed sleep since moving to Tucson, I figured I needed to inject some excitment into our lives. IM: Can you afford this? Me: Theoretically, no. Realistically, sure. It'll be fabulous. And no MJ, we won't have to sell the house or borrow cashola from you. IM: Is this Mitchell's last ditch effort for a boy? Me: Perhaps. As usual, he hasn't been super-specific about the brand of baby he'd like. He just seems happy that I agreed to a third. IM: Not that you don't deserve whatever comes your way since you got yourself into this, but how're you feeling? Me: Awesome! Similar to T's first trimester, I'm desperately ill. In a typical day, I'll puke 8 to 12 times. I have a headache most days and want to sleep constantly. The girls, of course, have other plans... IM: Hey yeah, what about the girls? How do they feel about this? Me: They are ridiculously excited. They're constantly trying to feed me and bring me drinks and kissing my stomach. DeeDee's especially thrilled to take a turn as a big sister. T's planning to babysit.

vomitous

The following items made me want to puke today:

• waking up
• cinnamon life and milk
• the smell of Mitchell's cologne
• DeeDee hopping all over the bed
• Italian wedding soup
• the smell of popcorn
• Mitchell making coffee
• iceberg lettuce & cucumbers
• standing up
• laying down
• sitting

sloth

I know I'm a lazy bum when I'm laying in bed starving. stomach audibly growling but suffering through it because I simply cannot face hauling my butt off the bed, down the stairs and into the kitchen to try to figure out food that would make the grumblies go away. Meh.

toilet terrorist

It goes without saying that cleaning the toilet's the worst. There are few things that beat its germ-ridden disgustingness. But it's that much more horrifying when a urine bandit lives amongst you. You know this villain, it's the mysterious anti-hero who's super powers include getting urine ALL OVER the toilet. Everywhere.

Like up on the rim under the seat itself. On the underside of the seat. On that back part where the seat screws into the bowl. Down the sides of the bowl where the toilet connects to the floor. Even, miraculously, horrifyingly on the f'ing wall next to the toilet.

I used to think my husband was the pee bandit. Now I'm not so sure. Granted, he's got the equipment that would best lend itself to the bandit's trademark leavings.... But now that we're living with a larger number of toilets at our disposable, I'm thinking Superdoodle's the culprit. Her bathroom terrorism has been known to reach epic proportions.

At times she can even get poop on the toilet's rim. Yes. Poop. I don't know how she does it. Just that she does, and it freaks me out. Her butt's so little and that opening is so open. It's come to the point that I've had to hold toilet lectures a la my father circa 1986, complete with wiping re-training and apparatus mount and dismount techniques.

So far, it's not working.

hold up

Don't you hate it sometimes when you get what you want, and then you're like, Oh wait, did I really want that?

reasons i hate summer tv programming

• American Gladiators: Really? Does the world really need this? I didn't like this show when it was on in the 80s. Additionally, I resent the fact that the show's promos capitalize on pseudo patriotism, like your a bad American if you hate these 'roided out freaks and the wussies who challenge them.


• TV's Most Outrageous Moments: First of all, I take issue with NBC running back to back episodes. Second, what's with the "INSTANT REPLAYS" for every, SINGLE freakin' clip. GAWD! In watching the show for 4 minutes I realized that the creators don't actually understand what the word "outrageous" means. In actuality, it should be entitled TV's Most Staged Moments. Boo.


• The Moment of Truth: I have nothing really to say about this show because I've never seen it, but that has to tell you something about how crappy this show actually is because I will watch anything. TV whore, remember?


• NBA Playoffs and/or Finals: Sports on tv sucks. They should only be allowed to air games on special sports related channels, such as ESPN or ESPN2 or whatever.

already

The girls have been home less than an hour and already T has had fit and stormed upstairs, shrieking and squawking, D has reverted back to baby talk and I am missing my quiet house.

yikes

Mitchell's face looks a LOT like this guy's today (minus the gauged ears and whiteness and non-receding hairline). He can barely open his mouth. When I asked him how he felt, he said, "Fine" through clenched teeth. When I asked him if he wanted some prescription grade ibuprofen, he refused (duh, why'd I even ask?). When I asked him if he had a dental appointment, he just looked at me with that dull, dead-eyed shark look he gets when I ask him a question he's not ever going to answer.

Anyone wanna take bets on how long it takes him to get to a dentist? I'm counting on at least a week, probably more like 2.

dammit

I wasn't backing Clinton just because she's a woman. I was happy that a woman of her caliber had risen through the political ranks to have a chance at running for president. I was excited to imagine what her presidency might be like. I believed in her health care platform as well as her plans for education. I think she was savvy enough to manage foreign policy and socially conscious enough to deal with our domestic issues head on. She's certainly strong enough to be a world leader. She's more than smart enough.

And maybe she didn't have the greatest hair or the keenest fashion sense. Or the best marriage. Or have typical maternal tendencies that caused her to say, "Sorry" a lot and cry or end every statement as if it were a question. But that's what I liked about her. She was strong and no nonsense and intelligent. And I think she'd have made a kick ass president.

things i want to go away

• Super-competitive moms: I don't care if your kid gets honor roll in the third grade. It's the 3rd fucking grade.
• Huggers: Hello, Goodbye, Glad to see you, I like your new rug...None of these situations call for us to hug.
• Cicadas and waterbugs: I'm sick of fishing your corpses out of my pool. Learn from your ancestors already.
• Pushy neighbors: I don't want to join your church, take care of your kids, or form any other sort of intimate emotional bond.
• The phrase "I'm bored; there's nothing to do.": Thank GOD summer's only 7 weeks long. My children wouldn't survive 3 months.
• Let's-do-it-together moms: I like to do things on my own. If I get eaten by a coyote on my solo morning walk, that's my problem. There's no need for us to get our husbands the same gift for Father's Day; that's just weird. Have an original thought for once.
• Backhanded compliments: Be like me, just say nothing.