this life

This new life is all about not enough time in the day.  And never being able to be in all the places my kids need me to be in.  And not making dinner but buying fast food like every night.  And not bathing Hayden for 3 days in a row because I just can't fight her aversion to water.  And throwing away the daily paper still in the bag the newspaper dude delivered it in because I don't have time to watch any trashy tv, let alone read the f'ing newspaper.  And leaving my girls to get to school on their own, which I know they are fine with but still it bothers me.  And putting off taking Hayden to the doctor even though the crap pouring out of her nose just gets greener and greener each day, and, oh awesome, this morning it has moved up to her eyes.  And falling into bed by 8:13 because I can't stay up another second.

breathe

I have to keep telling myself that.  When things get crazy, it becomes a silent chant.  It gets me through the various panics that seem to temporarily immobilize the girls.  It moves me through the moments when it suddenly strikes me that this really is life now.  Funny thing is, it works. 

ready or not

Tomorrow marks my unofficial return to the full-time work world--A world from which I have been absent since May of 2006. Tomorrow will also mark the beginning of new roles for the girls...And while my eldest has definitely felt this burden since the Hay's birth and Mitchell's diagnosis, this will be the first time they are being asked to do so much.

not a babysitter

Shortly after Taylor was born, I was finally getting out of the house to see a movie with a friend of mine. Mitchell was happy to push me out the door so he could finally have Taylor all to himself. He was on the phone with his mother, and I heard him say, "No, I'm not babysitting....How can I babysit my own daughter?!". He was pretty indignant about the whole suggestion. I recall thinking he was funny to be so upset, but he took the job of dad seriously. He did everything he could to let the girls know that he loved and supported them.

On this first Father's Day without Mitchell, I honor him by remembering all they ways he was a remarkable father.

moving forward

The girls and I recently returned from our first family vacation without Mitchell. The trip was a much anticipated one to Disneyland. Hayden's very first experience with the Happiest Place on Earth. For the most part it was a great trip. Hayden loved it, although the giant characters she really could have done without.

The last time we visited Disneyland was with Mitchell. There were many bittersweet moments both for myself and Taylor during our week long excursion. It made me sad to remember so vividly rides we'd enjoyed or places we liked to eat or even conversations we'd had on that last trip when the girls were small and easily impressed.

It was weirdly painful and satisfying to have made the trip and for it to have been a successful one.

good now

Hard to believe the move is now in the past.  Good to be here now.  Sleeping much better.  Feeling more comfortable, almost renewed.  Excited again.

strange days

Valentine's Day brought some unexpected happenings for the very youngest of the Harris Girls. While playing around on the trampoline waiting for Valentine's dinner, there was what seemed to be a minor accident. Dylan brought in the Hay, wailing and snot flying. I sat her down and checked her out as mom's are wont to do. She seemed fine. We had dinner, and while she ate almost nothing (typical), she did her usual jamming of dinner into whatever she happens to be drinking (very typical).

Bedtime came early, but sleep did not last. That night was spent with Hayden crying out and/or sobbing in her sleep. By about 3 am, I am convinced there is something wrong. I barely get the big kids off to school and call the doctor as soon as they open. The appointment set, I spend the morning with a very lethargic 2 year old (atypical).

At the appointment, x rays revealed that Hayden's tibia and fibula had been cleanly broken distally. I was shocked to leave the appointment with nothing more than a referral for an appointment with an orthopedic surgeon for this afternoon. No wraps. No splints. Nothing. Just instructions, "Don't let the leg hang; it will cause more pain and injure the area further.". Perfect!

restart

That's where I am right now.  I'm on a restart of my life.  Of course, I'm still a mom to three great girls, that's not going to change...But all the rest of it, that's what I'm talking about.  I'm trying to figure out what's next for the four of us.  This doesn't feel like home anymore. 

Mitchell passed away last night.  He lost his battle with cancer, but he was able to do it on his terms.  He fought until the last moment he was with us.  We will love him always.

distance

I'm feeling much less raw after putting a little distance between myself and that terrible appointment with Dr. Brown last week.  The reality of events to come has not changed, but I am feeling better able to manage my emotions.  Admittedly, I have moments when it  overwhelms me.  Driving alone is probably the worst time for this.  Memories of that appointment are like a magnet for my mind; it keeps reverting back to those words.  But it also reminds me that none of us are promised any length of time on this planet, and we need to embrace each moment as it happens. 

We are good right now.  And that is good enough right now.

at this moment

Now realizing there's a big difference between thinking you are prepared to handle something and actually confronting the reality of what that something means. 

At this moment, I am praying for strength for all of us.  And time.  Time for him and me and for Taylor, Dylan and Hayden. 

new directions

I recently accepted an ELL teaching position at the local elementary.  This may seem like a 180 to some as the last time I was in charge of a classroom, I was fried to say the least.  But it's been awhile since I taught last, four years to be exact, and this particular situation is quite different from where I was. 

Truth is, I'm excited to participate in the adult world again.  It will be nice to meet adults who don't know my kids and aren't trying to plan a play date or sleepover or trip to the movies. 

And like I said, this situation is different.  I'll  be working mornings with a student load of under 20.  There's a good mix of instruction and paper work (you're thinking, "Why does she like paperwork?"  I don't know.  I find it soothing.)  There's tremendous opportunity for me to learn and grow, which is exciting.  And necessary to prevent my brain from becoming middle-aged mush.

Will I miss being at home with the Hay?  Of course.  Will it take a bit to adjust to the demands of the new schedule?    Definitely.  But I also realize that this is a necessary step in a new direction that enables me to have more control over my family's destiny.  I have decided to rise to the occasion.

11

Eleven doesn't like vegetables.  Or any meat other than "steak".  It doesn't want anything whole grain; white and processed is considered best.  Eleven will eat mashed potatoes but don't try to scallop or au gratin.  Things that 10 loved 11 despises. 

It would love a diet of items filled with sugar and red dye #5, anything processed and pre-packaged ... oh and gum (no mint flavored). 

friday

Mitchell has an MRI scheduled for Friday.  That sick, fluttery feeling in my stomach has already begun.  He's been really struggling this week.  Headaches.  Exhaustion.  Breathlessness.  The headaches have been severe enough to cause him to actually take the meds Dr. Brown prescribed to fight the pain.  Unfortunately, they don't seem to do much.  I'm having difficulty deciding whether these symptoms are a result of treatment or cancer.  This morning I found myself running through a list of possible headache triggers aloud.  Decided I need to starting logging Mitchell's symptoms between treatments.  Maybe there's a pattern there that'll help me know what to expect and when.

Taylor's first dance is happening this Friday too.  I'm excited for her, but a little sad too.  She quietly confessed to me that she was the "only one" that hadn't been asked.  She shrugged it off but it's evident she's bothered.  Everyone likes to be asked, right?  I gave her the same line my mom gave me a million years ago when I was bemoaning a similar plight, "Boys are just intimidated by your beauty and confidence." 

I didn't believe her when she used it on me either.

the un-break

Spring Break is right around the corner, and may I say that I am NOT looking forward to 20 consecutive non-school days plunked right in the middle of March.  Everytime I get on facebook I am reminded of how beloved this spring holiday used to be to me.  All my teacher-friends can think of little else other than what fun they will be having without their students.  I used to be them.  I would count down the days beginning that first day back from Christmas break.

Alas that is I no longer.  I'm now on the team rooting for shorter and less frequent school breaks.  In fact, year round boarding school is looking fabulous right about now.

don't blink

Last month brought two important birthdays in the Harris household. My firstborn turned eleven, and Hayden is now a one year old. Hard to believe that time passes so quickly. It seems like just yesterday I was calling Stephanie to ask what she thought about the huge, warm puddle that had appeared beneath me on my bed as we chatted away. It passes in what seems the blink of an eye. One minute I'm wishing for everyone in the house to be able to wipe their own poopy asses, and the next we're trying for a third baby and beginning again. And while I'm looking forward to the time when once again everyone can wipe themselves, I am enjoying each moment with my girls. Even though Taylor is moody and Dylan never stops telling random, tv-inspired stories and Hayden is still nursing and bites sometimes, I love every second.

relenting

I finally relented and allowed Taylor & Dylan to share a bedroom. They are now jammed into what was Taylor's. No room for playing. No toys allowed. Just beds and dressers and night stands, thank you very much. But I suppose if it keeps them out of the guest room bed, then it's okay...

hayden in action

This was taken by Taylor (can't you tell?) on August 8th 2009.

yay

The girls are back in school. The house is now fairly quiet for about 6 hours a day. Can I get a "WOO HOOOOOO!"?

boppy time

Hayden likes to hang out in her boppy pillow, sans clothing. From her perch, she shouts unintelligible orders at us, which we scramble to follow.