i love noodles

school of the home

Around here, there's been lots of talk about moms (and even some dads) pulling their kids out of the local public in order to live above the influence and school their chicklets at home. I myself shudder to think of a situation that would require me to be add full-time teacher of my kids to the list of monikers they already refer to me. Primary caretaker, medical technician, hygiene authority, therapist, nurturer, personal chef, chauffeur, life giver, social director, party planner, housekeeper, life guard, fitness coach, tutor, advocate, security officer, personal shopper, laundress, and biggest fan are already roles in which I spend quite a bit of time. I can't imagine having to also be responsible for a daily routine which would include curriculum, lectures, guided practice, independent practice, field trips, educationally-based teachable moments, authentic assessment and timely feedback. I'm not saying it can't be done, nor am I saying it shouldn't be. I just think that the world is large and full of authentic learning opportunities and attending school is, in my opinion, a significant one.

relenting

I finally relented and allowed Taylor & Dylan to share a bedroom. They are now jammed into what was Taylor's. No room for playing. No toys allowed. Just beds and dressers and night stands, thank you very much. But I suppose if it keeps them out of the guest room bed, then it's okay...

hayden in action

This was taken by Taylor (can't you tell?) on August 8th 2009.

not your mother's rant

Outsiders (and by outsider I mean any individual who does not live with the day to day reality of this disease) who tell me everything is going to be fine make me feel crazy.

This has been established. It's kind of like when you're bitching about your mom or some other family member who has gotten on your last nerve and whomever you are bitching to says, "Yeah, you're right. Your (fill in the blank with mom, brother, dad, spouse) really IS an asshole!" And something inside you screeches to a halt a says, "Hold on. It's okay for ME to say that, but it is NOT okay for YOU to say that. Back off, JERK FACE!" And now you're battling your friend who was just trying to commiserate with you. Yeah. That's exactly what it's like.

I say everything is fine to make myself feel better. Sometimes "Every thing's fine" is what allows me to get through whatever it is I'm trying to get through... But you telling me that every thing's fine somehow tells me you're minimizing what's happening in our big box of a two-story these last 9 months. And maybe you're not. Maybe you realize that the situation is precarious, but you can't say that so you use phrases that gloss over the difficulty like fluffy frosting on cake that has cracked and broken. Maybe you know that every time Mitchell has treatment, the aftermath gets worse. Worse to the point where I'm harassing him hourly to call the cancer center because he's been lying in bed for days and can't eat or really drink and he looks small and shrunken. And he's hating me because I keep asking (and I even hate myself) but I can't stop nagging him.

Then I have to step back and realize, people are going to deal with this thing the way they have to deal with it. And I'm going to either let that go or hold on to it. And remember that no one knows until it happens in their house what it means or how it hurts or how angry you can get at someone who really isn't at fault.

letter of complaint

Dear Excessive Emailer,

When I gave you my email address, I did not realize I was going to be bombarded with group emails containing your latest cake pics. I have seen a home made cake before and, while I'm sure you're extremely proud of your work, have no interest in viewing a slide show filled with your mediocre creations. If I wanted a cake that looked home made, I'd make my own.

Sincerely, me

Taylor gains confidence

Dylan continues to ramble

Taylor begging again

Now begging and playing coy

Mrs. Connelly & Dylan

Ms. Cronk & Taylor

Dylan in the midst of asking her gazillionith question

Taylor begging me to stop taking pictures.

first day of school 2009

Getting out of the car, Taylor seems as though she may vomit...Dylan's in rare form

Posing in front of the school

That's my undershirt not my stomach hanging out there...

Dylan's desk

question

How can you be a stay at home mom with multiple young children and NOT cook? Anything. Ever. Hmmm.....

Just wondering.

feeling numb

The Evan finished his bar exam today. When I asked him how he felt, he texted "feels numb". I can relate. Sometimes numb is good. It lets you catch your breath, allows you to hang out for a minute in peace. It doesn't stay for long, but it's good while it lasts.

yay

The girls are back in school. The house is now fairly quiet for about 6 hours a day. Can I get a "WOO HOOOOOO!"?

My grandma forwarded this to me today. I think it's got some lessons important enough to share.

Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio "To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:"

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.

16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else. 20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

25. Frame every so-called disaster with these words ''In five years, will this matter?".

26. Always choose life.

27. Forgive everyone everything.

28. What other people think of you is none of your business..

29. Time heals almost everything. Give time, time.

30. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

31. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

32. Believe in miracles.

33. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

34. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

35. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

36. Your children get only one childhood.

37. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

38. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere..

39. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

40. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

41. The best is yet to come.

42. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

43. Yield.

44. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

good news/bad news

The results of the PET scan show that the lesions in Mitchell's liver are just about gone! Great news. Unfortunately the lesion/nodule in his lung is hanging in there...It is about 3 mm larger than the first PET. Granted 3 mm is so small, it's almost nothing, right? Also there is a decent reason to believe that the nodules in his lung are becoming cavitious. I'm keeping my fingers crossed. Basically, Mitchell will have to continue chemotherapy for the next 3 to 4 months. At the end of that time, there will be another PET to determine what will happen next. It still seems sketchy, but I'm learning to live with it.

again

This morning Mitchell had another PET scan; the results for which will be read tomorrow morning by the oncologist. I hate the anticipation of these appointments. The closer it gets; the more nervous I become.

letter to the media

Dear American Media Machine,

Please drop the King of Pop story; I myself am sick of it. I don't care whose sperm created which child. Nor am I concerned about a crazy person's $48,000 a month pharmacy bill. MJ's music hasn't been any good for about 20 years. And, unless I'm eligible for a hefty check resulting from his estate, I don't care if he has a will. The dude was C-R-A-Z-Y with a capital C. He's gone; let's let sleeping dogs lie. Sincerely, Me

a decade

Today's my 10th Wedding Anniversary. Weird... Then:

• Teeny, rundown Chandler house
• Regular screaming matches about stuff like calling about the dryer, planting rose bushes in the front yard, and nothing whatsoever
• Baby Taylor with Baby Dylan soon to follow
• Sasha & Ali
• Practically my whole salary going to child care
• Big, green mini-van...Happy Mother's Day
• Teaching English to snotty 7th & 8th graders
• 30 seemed a reasonable distance away

Now:

• Nice, new Vail house
• Can't remember the last time we fought
• Baby Hayden
• Working from home--no child care needed
• Little, grey compact....I got to choose
• Couldn't pay me enough to step in front of a class full of kids again
• 40 is unreasonably close

more of the same

This afternoon's appointment was a touch disconcerting. When we arrived, we were surprised to learn that Mitchell's appointment had been cancelled without our knowledge. After some scuffling around, we were able to see Dr. Brown's assistant. She was able to tell us that the scan was inconclusive. The spots on his liver "seemed a little smaller", but the spots (please remember until the moment she says this, we are under the impression that he only has one spot in his lung) in his lung "appear to be larger". One of the tumors might be cavitious, but no one can confirm this. Basically a whole lot of nothing. Mitchell now has a PET scan scheduled the morning of July 6. This should give us more conclusive information regarding the lesions/tumors he currently has. We know that Mitchell with continue with chemotherapy indefinitely. Some time soon, they will have to discontinue the oxicyllin plantin because its side effects will eventually leave him disabled, which is something we obviously don't want. More than likely he will continue with the oral Xeloda and the Avastin infusions. On the bright side, there aren't any more metastases, and they still feel it's treatable.

he looks good

Be forewarned. This is something of a rant.... I H-A-T-E it when people feel the need to tell me that Mitchell "looks good". It infuriates me. He looks good so everything must be okay. He looks good so I'm sure things aren't that bad/difficult/shitty/whatever. First of all, he has had this cancer for the last 5 years (at the very least). So the way he looked before we discovered he has cancer may not be the best measure for looking good. Second, HE'S FUCKING GREY! Am I really the only person that sees this? His hands and feet (you know the part that's supposed to be light?)...his are a weird charcoal color. And the skin is peeling and flaking off in ribbons. Looking GOOD! Do they listen to his voice when he talks? He sounds exhausted. He shuffles around some days like he's a hundred. Just because he says he's fine when you ask, doesn't mean he's telling you the truth. There's so much more that I won't even get into. I realize that people say this to be supportive or positive or whatever. But I hate it. No I'm not saying it would be better if they opened with, "Gosh, Mitch looks like shit!" I can honestly say that I don't know what would be better. I just know that I cannot skip around pretending that things aren't serious or scary or forever different than before cancer. I also know that when I look at him, he doesn't look good. He looks run down and exhuasted and frustrated and worried. How can that look good?

fingers crossed

Today Mitchell is off getting another ct scan. I think he was late in getting there as I received several rather terse texts from him which became more terse bc I was misunderstanding what he was asking me for. LO SIENTO!!!! As my brother would say, "By the by" or some other such nonsense, he's getting a scan today. Thursday we have an appointment with Doc Brown about the results. Hopefully those pesky cancer spots on his liver and lung (and that lone bugger on his pelvis) will have shrunk down. I would say "disappear", but I don't want to get greedy.