letter to the media

Dear American Media Machine,

Please drop the King of Pop story; I myself am sick of it. I don't care whose sperm created which child. Nor am I concerned about a crazy person's $48,000 a month pharmacy bill. MJ's music hasn't been any good for about 20 years. And, unless I'm eligible for a hefty check resulting from his estate, I don't care if he has a will. The dude was C-R-A-Z-Y with a capital C. He's gone; let's let sleeping dogs lie. Sincerely, Me

a decade

Today's my 10th Wedding Anniversary. Weird... Then:

• Teeny, rundown Chandler house
• Regular screaming matches about stuff like calling about the dryer, planting rose bushes in the front yard, and nothing whatsoever
• Baby Taylor with Baby Dylan soon to follow
• Sasha & Ali
• Practically my whole salary going to child care
• Big, green mini-van...Happy Mother's Day
• Teaching English to snotty 7th & 8th graders
• 30 seemed a reasonable distance away

Now:

• Nice, new Vail house
• Can't remember the last time we fought
• Baby Hayden
• Working from home--no child care needed
• Little, grey compact....I got to choose
• Couldn't pay me enough to step in front of a class full of kids again
• 40 is unreasonably close

more of the same

This afternoon's appointment was a touch disconcerting. When we arrived, we were surprised to learn that Mitchell's appointment had been cancelled without our knowledge. After some scuffling around, we were able to see Dr. Brown's assistant. She was able to tell us that the scan was inconclusive. The spots on his liver "seemed a little smaller", but the spots (please remember until the moment she says this, we are under the impression that he only has one spot in his lung) in his lung "appear to be larger". One of the tumors might be cavitious, but no one can confirm this. Basically a whole lot of nothing. Mitchell now has a PET scan scheduled the morning of July 6. This should give us more conclusive information regarding the lesions/tumors he currently has. We know that Mitchell with continue with chemotherapy indefinitely. Some time soon, they will have to discontinue the oxicyllin plantin because its side effects will eventually leave him disabled, which is something we obviously don't want. More than likely he will continue with the oral Xeloda and the Avastin infusions. On the bright side, there aren't any more metastases, and they still feel it's treatable.

he looks good

Be forewarned. This is something of a rant.... I H-A-T-E it when people feel the need to tell me that Mitchell "looks good". It infuriates me. He looks good so everything must be okay. He looks good so I'm sure things aren't that bad/difficult/shitty/whatever. First of all, he has had this cancer for the last 5 years (at the very least). So the way he looked before we discovered he has cancer may not be the best measure for looking good. Second, HE'S FUCKING GREY! Am I really the only person that sees this? His hands and feet (you know the part that's supposed to be light?)...his are a weird charcoal color. And the skin is peeling and flaking off in ribbons. Looking GOOD! Do they listen to his voice when he talks? He sounds exhausted. He shuffles around some days like he's a hundred. Just because he says he's fine when you ask, doesn't mean he's telling you the truth. There's so much more that I won't even get into. I realize that people say this to be supportive or positive or whatever. But I hate it. No I'm not saying it would be better if they opened with, "Gosh, Mitch looks like shit!" I can honestly say that I don't know what would be better. I just know that I cannot skip around pretending that things aren't serious or scary or forever different than before cancer. I also know that when I look at him, he doesn't look good. He looks run down and exhuasted and frustrated and worried. How can that look good?

fingers crossed

Today Mitchell is off getting another ct scan. I think he was late in getting there as I received several rather terse texts from him which became more terse bc I was misunderstanding what he was asking me for. LO SIENTO!!!! As my brother would say, "By the by" or some other such nonsense, he's getting a scan today. Thursday we have an appointment with Doc Brown about the results. Hopefully those pesky cancer spots on his liver and lung (and that lone bugger on his pelvis) will have shrunk down. I would say "disappear", but I don't want to get greedy.

demands

update the blog

My mother keeps sending me emails with the above as the subject. "Update the Blog". Nothing in the body of the email except for her company's weird confidentiality warning scripty thing which is set off by about 7 continuous rows of asterisks. I find these emails irritating on a variety of levels. First and foremost, the fact that she uses the definte article THE to refer to my blog. Don't ask me why, but it raises my hackles. Coming a close second is the fact that MY blog has become an obligation...And pretty much everyone who knows me knows how I feel about obligations. Truth be told, I have made several attempts of late to do just that, but nothing was funny or peculiar or irritating enough. So there it went, un-updated. It is under severe maternal duress I compose this. Satisfied?

1+1=yikes

2 hours sitting by the pool (yes, we had on hats and a shade umbrella) in AZ equals one screachy, upset Hayden. The journey home was so not fun. Sorry, HayLiz.

i don't believe in that

So some dance mom (yes, I am sneering as I type this) tried to convince me that she limits her kids' tv watching to less than a couple of hours a week because she can't abide Hannah Montana and some other Disney crap show that had caused her to shun tv forever. She made the announcement in that "I'm a more diligent and concerned parent than you" tone that mom's around here often assume. I was waiting for the soliloquy to be followed by a bunch of "my kids' are geniuses rhetoric".

Fortunately I was able to refrain from making shockingly inappropriate remarks by making a snide comment about allowing my own offspring to watch as much tv as they could take for marathon sittings while feeding them high fructose corn syrup.